It’s that loving time of year when families across the nation get together to eat a dead bird in remembrance of killing the Native Americans off and taking over their land.
In honor of this great holiday, I have compiled a list of 5 ways to have an awesome family dinner this Thanksgiving. Here they are in no particular order:
1. Arrivials
Make sure to arrive at least thirty to fourty minutes after the meal has been on the table. After all, it’s the best way to make an entrance and its a great way to set the tone for the rest of the night.
2. Bring Your New “Friend”
When your new “friend” arrives with you for Thanksgiving dinner make sure to introduce him or her as your “friend” and then wait as the rest of the room smiles and nods at you. Your Uncle Harry might give you a wink. Then for the rest of the night you can listen as Grandma asks about your “friend”, where you met this “friend”, and what date the wedding is planned.
3. Discuss Politics (And then Religion)
A Thanksgiving dinner with your family is really not complete without a screaming match. The easiest way to push the conversation towards the aforementioned screaming match is to bring up one of three things: Barack Obama, George Bush or Jesus Christ. Those three gentlemen are sure to do the job and if that is not good enough for your family you could always bring up abortion, gay rights or gun control. Those are sure to get the blood boiling.
4. Add Some Wine to the Mix
A great way to sooth the family tension is to make sure everyones glass is filled up with a robust, dry red wine every few hours. Wine really is one of those spirits that encourages lively conversation and family tranquility and peace. What’s more, wine will help calm the nerves of that one Uncle or Aunt that always ends up running their mouth about everyone and everything. A sure way to shut this aunt or uncle up is to make sure that wine glass is full.
5. The Elephant in the Room
If there is an elephant in the room, the best thing to do is to provoke it to smash all the china. If there is a rumor that Aunt Hilda has a secret love child, make sure you let everyone know. Rumors, especially family rumors, are made to be shared just like that bread in the middle of the table. Let it out- you are family aren’t you? Everyone loves elephants anyway, I mean seriously, who doesn’t love them? Let that elephant out y’all.
And so concludes my 5 ways to have an awesome family dinner this Thanksgiving. I hope that you will take my advice seriously, it may help you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and I am SURE your family will appreciate it!
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