Today I did something that has been years in the making.
I pressed the “complete” button on my first self-published book. Publishing a book has been something I have wanted for years and yet somehow the book never was complete, or I completed the book but it wasn’t quite good enough, or some other excuse. There was always an excuse, there was always a way to sabotage myself.
In my digital closet I have dozens upon dozens of half written books, completed novels, poems, and musings all gathering dust. I have locked them away, far away, so that the world cannot judge me. But in the process have I locked away myself?
I’m the girl who tells everyone else about the power of your own mind.
I’m the speaker talking about manifestation. I’m the yoga teacher telling you to breathe. I’m the writer, inspiring you to use your voice. And yet, I have to confess something to the world: I’ve been scared.
As much as I preach it, I’m not following it. If everything is energy and you are what you put your energy into, then why would my book dreams always fall short? Because I didn’t believe in them. That’s why. I was sabotaging myself.
There are four key steps to creating the life you want to live:
– Ask
– Believe
– Let Go
– Receive
Looking back I had followed all the steps but I was missing the critical second step: believe! Why did I feel that I didn’t deserve to be recognized as an author? Why did I feel like I just wasn’t good enough?
Why did I not believe in myself?
Ironically the first book I am publishing is on the topic of self love and in order to publish it, I was forced to confront these feelings of inadequacy. If I continued to tell myself it would never happen then how was it going to happen? If I continued to squirrel my writing away then how could I blame anyone but myself?
So I laid it bare- I let it all come out. I let my heart open and I showed the world my vulnerability. And you know what? It felt awesome. But what’s most important is that it taught me to believe in myself and step out of my own way.
Now that the path is clear I think I will keep on going…for a very long time.
It was a good hard look in the mirror and what came out of it was a beautiful reflection on the ups and downs of self love, self loathing, and self sabotage. The book is called She Loved Herself and I invited thirteen other women to share their stories of healing, acceptance and learning to love themselves.
I’m ready for the next chapter of my life and I am finally getting out of my own way!
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